bell hooks, Patriarchy, Love, and Encounters

In her book The Will to Change, the writer bell hooks [her capitalization] describes the way in which patriarchy, through social conditioning, inhibits men from giving and receiving love except in the context of violence and domination. She refers to a passage from Barbara Deming who describes coming home to her father who had died of a heart attack in his garden, and realized that this was the first time that she had ever been able to touch her own father outside of the context of punishment. She states, "That the only time I would feel free to touch him without feeling threatened by his power over me was when he lay dead— it’s unbearable to me" (Deming, as qtd. in hooks, 2004, p. 19). I personally relate to this passage, as for most of my life I remember physical and verbal expressions of affection being both rare and a socially uncomfortable situation for me. Certainly me and my male friends never expressed our love for one another explicitly, and for a long time I don't think that I even told my family I loved them at all. Furthermore, it was not just the absence of this love itself but also the naming of the absence which produced discomfort; it was shameful to even imagine that I or anyone else in my life was deserving of love, because to say that would jeopardize the emergent struggle to maintain my patriarchal status as an adolescent man. It shouldn't be surprising, then, that hooks states "We live in a culture where emotionally starved, deprived females are desperately seeking male love. [...] And yet we dare not speak it for [...] to speak our hunger for male love would demand that we name the intensity of our lack and our loss" (hooks, 2004, p. 25) This relates to the way in which knowledge is power; to understand the ways in which one is both harmed and served by patriarchy is itself normatively disincentivized under patriarchy for people of all genders. The only solution, according to hooks, is to come to grips with the reality that men can and must change for the better, in spite of the patriarchal norms which mandate that men exist in the way that they currently do.

This relates to journey and meaning making in the sense that patriarchy could be seen as a factor inhibiting full presence within the moment, such as that described by Martin Buber. To dominate is in essence an I-it relationship, and therefore to the extent that patriarchy is present an authentic encounter with the Other becomes inaccessible.